Disclaimer: I feel like this is obvious, but just to cover all my bases, I want to take this moment to acknowledge that I realize what we're experiencing right now with COVID-19 is very serious. I choose to handle most things in life with humor. It's literally the whole foundation of the Salty Mermaid Entertainment platform - "Life is hard. Laugh harder."
So please don't mistake my playfulness as a lack of respect or concern. This post is merely meant to be fun, so whether I nailed your personality or I'm wildly off-base, I hope it brings a little light to your day and that in some small way helps you get through these rough times.
You're not afraid of challenging circumstances, which makes you the perfect fit for having an essential job right now. If you're stuck home like the rest of us, though, there's really only one way for you to handle it. Strip down to your underwear, put on some music full blast, and dance around - bonus points if you prance around in front of your window to give your neighbors a good show. When your energy levels are good and hyped, go outside (ahem, put on some clothes first) and use your extensive sports knowledge and competitive nature to create a brand new game. Try not to gloat too much when you win.
It's no secret that you're stubborn. You're constantly tempted to push boundaries and break some rules. Since you can't go hang out with your friends at a bar or go to a restaurant with your family, you want to stand out in your yard drinking a beer and shouting across the street to whatever neighbor you can lure out. Your time would be better spent pampering yourself during this time and focusing on how much money you're saving by not going out anymore- you do love saving money, don't you? And since you are such a hard worker, now is a time to soak in the tub, use all those face masks you've stored up, do a conditioning treatment on your hair, give yourself a pedicure. Instead of focusing on what you're not allowed to do, light some candles and turn your home into a spa. You earned it.
There could literally be two of you and you still wouldn't get everything done on your to-do list. Since you feel the need to constantly be in motion, being at home makes you feel like a bug trapped in a jar. You could keep slamming your body against the glass, but your energy would be best spent reorganizing and purging your home. Go to each room and fill up at least one box of stuff you need to get rid of. Restructure your closet. Rearrange the items in your kitchen cabinets. Clean your baseboards with a toothbrush. Sew new curtains from piles of mix-matched socks. Try tie-dying all of your sheets and towels. Go wild.
Then - since you probably can do all of that in a single day and also, you get bored easily - move your attention to a new project like digging out all of those pictures you have from two decades ago. Take a trip down memory lane while organizing the photos into an album or scrapbook. It'll keep you busy, and you'll feel like you've gone somewhere.
Is there a quarantine going on? Huh. You hadn't noticed, because you always stay home anyway. So you get to keep doing what you're used to doing - wearing comfy clothes, eating cereal out of giant bowl, binging a new show, and also ignoring text messages and headlines as often as you can. Mix things up by doing some baking or creating a new recipe for mac and cheese. Maybe turn off Netflix and switch over to Hulu or Disney+. Just keep living your best life.
You're a lion pacing in a cage and if somebody doesn't let you outta here RIGHT THIS MINUTE you're gonna start biting. Sure, you miss socializing, but mostly you miss being SEEN. And everybody misses you, too. You're a star after all, used to the spotlight. Besides, people need you to distract them from their own issues. Your best option for survival at this point is to go live on Instagram and Facebook every day. Sure, you're not doing anything exciting, but people would still rather watch you drink coffee and brush your teeth than deal with their own boredom. And if anybody can make flossing or feeding the cats look entertaining, it's you.
Your pantry is so well-stocked you can barely walk into it. Toilet paper is stacked to the ceiling. Hand sanitizer? You've got twenty. You knew this quarantine was inevitable and you've been telling everyone that it's gonna last longer than they like. You know all the stats for this country and for the world. With all the information you're constantly gleaning, all you need is an audience, but weirdly, when you tried to share all your knowledge, people either zoned out and fell asleep in front of you or ran away screaming in panic. You, the ultimate Know-It-All, have only one choice here. You've got to use this time to write a book.
The world is ugly right now, and you crave beauty. You could spend the time outdoors tending to a pretty garden. Orrrr you could shop online. Who cares that you don't have anywhere to wear those new strappy sandals? That's what Instagram is for. And really, you do need that new mascara and bronzer if you're gonna keep posting selfies every day. No, you're not going to the beach, but it just wouldn't be summer if you didn't have three new swimsuits.
Now that you're cooking at home more, you should buy some new pots and pans. And wouldn't it more way more cheery to be in the kitchen if you bought a nice curtain for the window over the sink? You'd be less likely to stab one of your family members if you owned some of those knives with the pretty decorative flower design. Speaking of family, your kids might like some new clothes, what's on sale right now? You're not selfish. You should scroll Amazon for something to surprise your husband with. Wow, you are practically saving the economy all by yourself. You hope everyone appreciates your sacrifice. You should buy yourself some new jewelry as a reward.
You're naturally a fighter, so as far as you're concerned this is war. It's no time for weakness or sitting on your butt. Oh no, you want to get that butt in shape. If you're watching TV it's fitness videos on Youtube. You need to sweat and to feel the burn, you need to be doing something. Bring on the nature walks and the one-arm push ups and all the lunges and squats, baby. By the time this thing is over, you'll emerge as a beautiful butterfly -if butterflies had muscles and a ripped torso.
Hello there, you creative genius. You're such a talented person with so many different interests, and you're naturally good at pretty much everything. It can be hard for you to focus on just one or two things - especially when other people are always pulling on you to help them with their goals and you're too generous to say no. Now is the time for you to concentrate and fan the flame of that thing that's been simmering on the back burner.
Maybe you need to pull out your paints and canvas. Maybe it's podcast equipment that needs dusting off. Maybe it's a duck suit that you like to wear while performing a comedic monologue in front of the camera. You do you. Honestly, you're gonna need that laser-like focus to keep you distracted right now, because being stuck in one place is not your thing. You like new experiences, you want to travel, you have a curious soul and a restless spirit. Stay home and tap into that beautiful imagination of yours. Maybe share your stories with the internet. Not everyone can tap into that level of inventiveness. If anybody can pull off a magical mental journey, it's you.
Stay in bed. This is two-fold. For one thing, you work too hard, and this is the time for you to get some much-needed rest. And also? Get laid. Yeah, yeah. You're gonna be sneaky and try to bring your laptop to bed with you. You might be tempted to check your phone over your partner's shoulder, ya freakin workaholic. Stop that. Put down the devices - at least for a little while - and enjoy some down time for once. Your job is simple. Naps and orgasms.
You're an air sign and a water symbol, so it's pretty obvious what you should be doing right now. Drinking and reading. Your IQ and EQ are both above-average, which means you have a tendency to overthink and overfeel everything, almost like you're trying to make up for all the people who aren't doing enough thinking or feeling for themselves (you fuggan overachiever). This is gonna be hard for you, but CHILL OUT. In order to do that, you're gonna need a lot of wine and a stack of books. You want to rescue the world right now, but you're better off just mentally escaping it for a little while.
Some people like to eat their feelings. You like to decorate yours with whipped cream and sprinkles and then eat them. You know all of those recipes you pinned on Pinterest for the last three years and never got a chance to actually try? Now is your time to test them out. All of them. ALL OF THEM. Bring out the mixing bowls and bread pans. Cupcakes and pastas and muffins, oh my! Brownie batter mixed with cookie dough, let's go. Taco toppings on pizza? Worth a shot. Potato soup poured over baked potatoes, covered in French fries? Why not? Strawberry shortcake? Peach pancakes? Lasagna? Nachos? Chocolate lava cake with ice cream? You've got so many options. Bake those emotions, sprinkle some cinnamon on top, and feast!
Jennifer Scott Pickett is a freelance writer for hire who specializes in parenting and lifestyle content. She is half of the comedy duo that makes up Salty Mermaid Entertainment based in Atlanta, GA. In her free time - Wait. She's a mom of three. She doesn't have any free time. Learn more by clicking here.