(ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED NOVEMBER 2019 - UPDATED ON NOVEMBER 22, 2020)
I'm going to make things a little easier on you this year, by telling you exactly what you should bring to the table for Thanksgiving, based on what I know about your horoscope. Comment with what your sign is, and let me know if it's accurate or not!
You'll be taking care of the turkey, because you're hosting obviously. And if you're not hosting, then you should be, and the main dish should be your territory, because we really can't risk someone else messing it up. Cooking a turkey the right way takes time and patience and attention, and we really can't expect the other signs to have as much dedication as you.
Grab a bottle of spiced rum. Let's be real. Thanksgiving always lands a little too close to your birthday for you to ever get enough attention on your special day. So let everyone else do the hard work, and you just bring your own survival treat. Sharing is optional.
You're known for being chill, the kind of person who just rolls with the punches. So naturally, we don't expect you to go thru any real trouble. Pick up some pre-made rolls at the grocery store. If you want to impress us this year, actually take them out of the package and warm them up for once.
We're assigning pecan pie to you. It's nutty just like you are, but more importantly, you're gonna have to bring something sweet to offset all the natural quirks you have that can be a little too much for some people to handle.
We feel like this one is obvious. You're an air sign but a water symbol. An intelligent person who appreciates a particular magical elixir. Bring wine. It's the only way you're going to survive this event.
Also, check out my new favorite wine glass from Amazon lolll.
You're gonna need to bring something green - even if it's in the form of green bean casserole - because we know how much you like to take care of people, and this is the closest to healthy that any food is gonna be on Thanksgiving.
We expect you to bring good ol' mashed potatoes, because everybody likes mashed potatoes- and you really don't like it when someone doesn't like you or something you do. Of course, everyone does like you. And as long as you'll be there to brighten everyone's day, then the important part is covered. Everything else is just gravy, baby.
Just get a can of cranberry sauce from the store on the way there and plop that jiggly tart goodness into a bowl. Yes, we know, you're stubborn, and you're gonna be tempted to make cranberry sauce from scratch, and put it on a fancy plate, you want to sprinkle whole cranberries and mint leaves around it...but don't bother. You're not going to impress anyone, and you'll only end up angry when the thing you worked so hard on goes untouched and ignored by everyone. And no, you don't need more than one can. Only three of us will be eating the stuff.
If you want to jazz it up, try displaying it on something like this pretty pie plate from Amazon.
Don't take this the wrong way, but you confuse people. Likewise, you should bring sweet potato casserole. No one really knows what this dish is - Is it a dessert? A vegetable? Why are there marshmallows on top of a vegetable? All they know is they LIKE it.
Side note, I also really like this Gemini necklace on Amazon.
Don't forget to bring extra cans of whipped topping when you bring this delicious dessert. Like you, pumpkin pie is a fan favorite. Calm down, we're not calling you basic. You're classic. Way different. (But also, we know you're holding a Starbucks cup right now, you basic bitch.)
Speaking of Starbucks, check out this adorable ornament of a snowman drinking coffee.
Mac and cheese is a year-round thing, so we expect you to go the extra steps to make this the special baked-in-the-oven-with-secret-ingredients-and-throw-a-cheesy-crust-on-top way that we've come to love and expect on Thanksgiving. And don't complain about it, either. We all know you'll gonna revel in the adoration you'll get for putting unique touches on this popular side-dish. Adventure and attention, that's kinda your thing.
Everyone loves this particular dish, even if they don't *quite* understand what it is, and that's why you're the perfect person to bring the dressing. You, being a notorious know-it-all, can spend the entire meal explaining to everybody the difference between stuffing and dressing. Idiots.
Jenn Scott Pickett is a freelance writer for hire who specializes in parenting and lifestyle content. She is half of the comedy duo that makes up Salty Mermaid Entertainment based in Atlanta, GA. In her free time - Wait. She's a mom of three. She doesn't have any free time. Learn more by clicking here.